Master

bot.js

@@ -5,109 +5,89 @@ var botID = process.env.BOT_ID;
 
 function respond() {
   var request = JSON.parse(this.req.chunks[0]),
-      botRegex = /^\/cool guy/;  botRegexDL = /^\/DDL/i;botRegexSalt = /^\/salt/;botRegexRules = /^\/rules/
-      botRegexAd=/^\/advance/;botRegexGTA = /^\/gta/; botRegexSC = /^\/SDL/i; botODB = /(.*\s+)(.*odb)(\s+.*)/i; botDuck = /^\/duck/;
-      botRegexP = /^\/PDL/i;  botRegexTw = /^\/twitch/i; botRegexSb = /^\/sub/; botRegexSh = /^\/shrug/; botRegexWk = /^\/users/; botRegexCC = /^\/cc/;
-      botRegexSiege = /^\/siege/; botRegexOW = /^\/overwatch/; 
-      siege1 = 'https://i.groupme.com/350x419.png.adc8c73a6c1547e0a9e04320296329f8'; siege2 = 'https://i.groupme.com/1279x752.jpeg.aa5d0401e0df495bba4b4e09dc5a6bd7'
-      siege3 = 'https://i.groupme.com/960x960.png.006e180e05d841c6a2962e844bf1e6fd';
-  var teamAb = ["NE","NO","ARI","PHI","CLE","TEN","OAK","DAL","IND","SEA","CIN","PIT","JAC"
-                ,"BAL","SD","DEN","MIN","ATL","KC","NYG","GB","DET","HOU","STL","CHI","CAR",
-                "MIA","BUF","SF","WAS","NYJ","TB"]
+      botRegex = /(mfw)|(tfw)|(Mfw)|(MFW)|(Tfw)|(TFW)/;
+      botRegexJay = /(jay)|(Jay)/;
+      botRegexDenk = /^\.denk/;
+      botRegexGamb = /^\.potd/;
+      botRegexMaga = /(maga)|(MAGA)|(Maga)/;
+      botRegexWil = /^\/.willy/;
+      botRegexCon = /(syrup)|(Syrup)/;
+      botRegexKek = /(kek)|(top kek)|(Kek)/;
+      botRegexSrd = /(srd)|(-srd)|(Srd)/;
+      botRegexLoam = /(Liam)|(liam)|(leeum)|(Leeum)|(loam)|(Loam)|(@^.^)/;
+
+      //images for maga call
+      maga1 = 'https://i.sli.mg/E3BbKK.jpg'; maga2 = 'https://i.sli.mg/uMm4cN.jpg';
+      maga3 = 'https://i.redditmedia.com/3ajTo756OzvESMhS1uvrz4GfRgIaD-IjFrua8uHZasc.jpg?w=349&s=54ca7e69b999bd9d60ce33610b38cfee';
+      maga5 = 'https://i.sli.mg/l2knjY.jpg';
+
   if(request.text && botRegex.test(request.text)) {
     this.res.writeHead(200);
     postMessage(cool());
     this.res.end();
   } 
-  else if(request.text && botRegexDL.test(request.text)) {
-    this.res.writeHead(200);
-    postMessage("http://daddyleagues.com/SRMFL/team/"+request.text.substring(5,8)+"/depthchart");
-    this.res.end();
-  } 
 
-  else if(request.text && botRegexOW.test(request.text)) {
-    this.res.writeHead(200);
-    postMessage("http://kt-media.knowtechie.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/Overwatch-Tracer-Over-The-Shoulder.png");
-    this.res.end();
-  } 
-  else if(request.text && botRegexSalt.test(request.text)) {
+  else if(request.text && botRegexSrd.test(request.text)){
     this.res.writeHead(200);
-    postMessage("https://i.imgur.com/B5BSVqH.png");
-    this.res.end();
-  } 
-  else if(request.text && botRegexAd.test(request.text)) {
-    this.res.writeHead(200);
-    postMessage("http://www.hackcollege.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/kno_advance.jpg");
+    postMessage("http://imgur.com/aBtyVin");
     this.res.end();
   }
-  else if(request.text && botRegexRules.test(request.text)) {
-    this.res.writeHead(200);
-    postMessage("https://docs.google.com/document/d/1hSuEG7oplnx4IX6HGsMOjsWb9TCqC4-F1NLjuBz5PCM/edit");
-    this.res.end();
-  } 
-  else if(request.text && botRegexGTA.test(request.text)) {
-    this.res.writeHead(200);
-    postMessage("https://i.groupme.com/220x147.jpeg.a2dd2add32b14fff9e329535186d793c.large");
-    this.res.end();
-  } 
-  else if(request.text && botRegexSC.test(request.text)) {
+
+    else if(request.text && botRegexJay.test(request.text)){
     this.res.writeHead(200);
-    postMessage("http://daddyleagues.com/SRMFL/team/"+request.text.substring(5,8)+"/schedule");
+    postMessage("(J)ay is gay.");
     this.res.end();
   }
-  else if(request.text && botRegexP.test(request.text)) {
+
+  else if(request.text && botRegexKek.test(request.text)){
     this.res.writeHead(200);
-    var req = request.text.substring(5,request.text.length);
-    var rep = req.replace(/ /,"+");
-    postMessage("http://daddyleagues.com/SRMFL/players?name="+rep+"&position=all&team=all");
+    postMessage("PRAISE KEK");
     this.res.end();
-  }  
+  }
 
-  else if(request.text && botRegexTw.test(request.text)) {
+  else if(request.text && botRegexCon.test(request.text)){
     this.res.writeHead(200);
-    postMessage("http://www.twitch.tv/"+request.text.substring(8,request.text.length));
+    postMessage("Connor is a fucko.");
     this.res.end();
-  } 
-  else if(request.text && botRegexSb.test(request.text)) {
+  }
+
+  else if(request.text && botRegexLoam.test(request.text)){
     this.res.writeHead(200);
-    postMessage("http://www.reddit.com/r/maddenall32");
+    postMessage("Suj");
     this.res.end();
-  } 
-  else if(request.text && botRegexSh.test(request.text)) {
+  }
+
+  else if(request.text && botRegexMaga.test(request.text)) {
+    this.res.writeHead(200);
+    if(Math.random() > .01 && Math.random() <= .2)
+      postMessage(maga2);
+    else if(Math.random() > .2 && Math.random() <= .4)
+      postMessage(maga3);
+    else if(Math.random() > .4 && Math.random() <= .6)
+      postMessage(maga5);
+    else if(Math.random() > .6 && Math.random() <= .8)
+      postMessage(maga5);
+    else
+      postMessage(maga1);
+  }  
+
+  else if(request.text && botRegexWil.test(request.text)) {
     this.res.writeHead(200);
-    postMessage("¯\\_(ツ)_/¯");
+    postMessage("Fuck Willy.");
     this.res.end();
-  } 
-  else if(request.text && botRegexWk.test(request.text)) {
+  }
+
+  else if(request.text && botRegexGamb.test(request.text)) {
     this.res.writeHead(200);
-    postMessage("https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1kJqQWCq3RKiTrd4f71FFNKr-Y0ppJzjk0fSF0rP6Bto/edit?usp=sharing");
+    postMessage("Stop gambling you degenerate fuck.");
     this.res.end();
   } 
-  else if(request.text && botODB.test(request.text)) {
+
+  else if(request.text && botRegexDenk.test(request.text)) {
     this.res.writeHead(200);
-    postMessage("OBJ*");
+    postMessage("https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLFPwGmnS_lyyVY5qjqZmHGbyr8doP0PH2");
     this.res.end();
   } 
-  else if(request.text && botDuck.test(request.text)) {
-    this.res.writeHead(200);
-    postMessage("http://media3.giphy.com/media/YCseTHF2I6CCA/giphy.gif");
-    this.res.end();
-  }
-  else if(request.text && botRegexCC.test(request.text)) {
-    this.res.writeHead(200);
-    postMessage("https://i.groupme.com/851x1184.jpeg.330228901f684b0cb46cd1cef6953923");
-    this.res.end();
-  }
-  else if(request.text && botRegexSiege.test(request.text)) {
-    this.res.writeHead(200);
-    if(0.6 >= Math.random() > 0.3)
-      postMessage(siege1);
-    else if(Math.random() >0.6)
-      postMessage(siege3)
-    else
-      postMessage(siege2);
-    this.res.end();
-  }
 
   else {
     console.log("don't care");